The Lord never seems to give me a moments rest from “things to work on” within myself. Sometimes I feel like such a large project…can’t I ever get a day of rest? However, my REAL hope and prayer is to be DIFFERENT than I was raised…therefore, this takes work, and a lot of it.
I am excited to share that the Lord has changed SO MUCH about me since I got saved (about 12 years ago)…people from then would never recognize the person I am today. But…again…there is plenty more to work on. Ugh. (I say that with both sorrow and joy.) I WANT (very badly) to be a better mother than mine was to me and I WANT to be more like Christ – so with that I walk forward on this journey, knowing HE will give me the strength and the comfort I need to (eventually) succeed.
I will never forget the night I was talking to my husband on the phone (we were not yet married, but were discussing the possibility) and I was telling him all my bad traits, habits, qualities, etc. The one I remember the most – as it is always with me – is my mouth / words. They are as sharp as a two edged sword…and I warned him of it.
(Although he apparently didn’t understand the extent to which what I said was true.) With the Lord’s help, I have made HUGE progress in this area…I am by no means perfect…but I am better. HOWEVER, a new area has been pointed out to me…my “joking” words. My words that put others down but in a joking manner. I’ve noticed it before, but now the Lord is putting it BOLDLY before me.
I see it in my husband and J…their look of defeat when these words come out of my mouth. And although P is too young yet to show me, I know my words will one day affect him as well. This scares me. I do NOT want to scar my family with my words.
As I’ve said in the past, I was raised to fight, and I learned my lesson well. Although it helped me to survive living with my mother and sister, it has not done me well in life. It has cost me several jobs (not directly – never fired – but in other ways) and it has cost several people a lot of self-esteem, comfort and security
I didn’t actually realize to what extent my mother had this problem until our last argument and her words were like lethal darts of venom. It was amazing to see (as I had never been able to notice before, because I was just the same). I was VERY thankful to the Lord to see that I had changed so much! But…there is still this other issue…the joking in a negative way thing. It must be curbed.
So…I have bought a few books (books always seem to help me to see things differently) and am excitedly awaiting their arrival. The books are: The Power of a Woman’s Words by Sharon Jaynes, 30 Days to Taming Your Tongue: What You Say (and Don’t Say) Can Improve Your Relationships by Deborah Smith Pegues and Loving Your Mother Without Loosing Your Mind by H. Norman Wright, Sheryl Wright Macauley. Have you ever heard of them? Read them? I’d be interest to hear your thoughts! Really!
I’m not sure how this journey is going to play out but I’m confident the Lord will walk beside me and help me. I pray that the damage that has already been done to my family can be repaired and that I will become a better person for Him, and for them. They deserve it. Really.
Do you have issues with your tongue? If so, I would love to hear how the Lord is working in your life in this area.