Do you ever wonder if God is real? I know I do, on occassion. And I was thinking at one point yesterday…what if he isn’t and we all go around letting people step all over us and thinking we’re all special because we do – and WHAT IF he isn’t real?
Have you ever had a VERY LENGTHY trial? Ours is going on SIX YEARS. To me it feels like an eternity and quite honestly I am getting very angry and frustrated. At God. Have you ever been where I am? It really isn’t a very good place to be. Every now and then I toss around the thought of “What if God isn’t real” – I mean we really have no PROOF that he is…it is only based on faith. So, as this trial is continuing and our prayer isn’t being answered…my faith is getting tested and sometimes I falter.
I am also finding that my prayer life is suffering – when it should be growing. I should be praying more but I am praying less. (More signs of the stress I am feeling. Another NOT GOOD sign.) I don’t like it. I don’t like where I am right now but I don’t know how to get out either. I have tried different online Bible studies but that isn’t working. I’ve tried online Scripture groups and that doesn’t work. I am not reading my Bible as much as I used to either. It’s sad times, let me tell you. Why? Because I am angry with God. I didn’t start this way. I started strong. But after six years, I’m worn down and I’m tired. I’m frustrated and I’m angry. Most of all, I am confused.
I’m not saying I’ve lost my faith nor that I don’t believe God is real. I’m saying I’m having a REALLY tough time with this very lengthy test. I *WANT* to be strong and have unwavering faith. But unfortunately the last six months or so, my faith has wavered. I am tired.
I am not proud of what I am sharing today. It does not make me feel good.
But I am praying the Lord will lead ladies to this post who will be able to lend some good solid Biblical advice (been there, done that [BTDT] would be helpful…and not an “I was almost there” but an “I was there and this is how I made it through with Christ”). I have people around me who say different things about how they have BTDT, but they haven’t, really, they just “almost had”…which with my mindset right now, just doesn’t cut it. It actually adds to my frustration.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post that comes straight from my heart…and if you can help, or are where I am…let us pray for one another and offer each other some good advice, if we can.
Let us lean on each other.
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.
Ecclesiastes 4:9 – 10
Praying you have a wonderfully blessed day,
I don’t know your particular trial, but we had several years of financial and marital strain as well as adding adopted children with special needs into the mix. What sustained me then and sustains me today is hearing the Word of God preached regularly, being honest about my struggles (just as you are doing here), and the prayers and counsel of select, humble, Titus 2 women. No matter how you stumble and struggle today you are in the hands of a God who will never let anything snatch you away. He will sustain you, grant you faith to persevere and continue to use these momentary trials for His glory and to magnify His great name. Praying for you, even now.
Hi Natalie,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. They mean a lot and made my heart feel a little peace each time I read them (as I’ve read them more than once). One problem I *DO* have, and have known for some time (and tried different ways to “fix” it, without success to this point) is the lack of Titus 2 women I have available to me…it is very frustrating.
Thank you again for the encouragement!
Blessings,
Dawn
Dawn, I feel like I’ve been in your spot a couple times now. It’s a really yucky place, and I don’t really want to ever go back!!! To me, the thing that makes me feel so empty is when I feel like God let me down. I understand that I will go through hard times, but I expect God to keep His Word *through* it. When it doesn’t appear that He’s keeping His promise, then I start to doubt if anything else is true, either in His Word or anywhere else in the universe. Without exception, in each of these times in my life, I have felt very angry at God, very duped. However, the answer for me has been to try to pinpoint exactly which promise I felt like God didn’t keep, then to dig in to my Bible to find out either (a) I misunderstood the promise. I’m okay with this, for some weird reason. At least I know it wasn’t God. Or (b) I stole a promise that didn’t even apply to me at all. And this is okay, too, although disappointing. I tend to go through a time of arguing with God, but I can understand if I read something wrong and applied it to my life when He never said it did. Sometimes I have to forgive others who might have taught me Scripture wrongly. However, in each of these dark times of my life, so far God’s Word has held true. It has always been myself in the wrong. In the middle of a dark time, I can make it as long as I can rely on God. If I ever lost that, I don’t know what I would do. Hallelujah, His Word is faithful! If it appears like it isn’t, dig and dig and dig until you find out why it looks false! To me, this digging has been more important than sleep, food, you name it. Because it matters to everything! I hope I’m not rambling, and I hope this has been encouraging. By the way, I found Psalm 88, the only Psalm I’ve seen that doesn’t have a happy ending.
For some weird reason, I find it very encouraging. Obviously the Psalmist had no happy ending to write about, and it was *okay* for him to write down the bad stuff.
Hi Anne,
THANK YOU SO MUCH for these helpful tips of searching God’s Word! I will definitely be doing this to see if I can figure some things out! (I’ll start with Psalm 88. *grin*) Thank you again for stopping and commenting and letting me know I’m not alone.
Your sister in Christ,
Dawn
Hi Dawn! I just found your blog. Wow, 6 years. We are going on the 3rd full year of our trial and I just want to give you a hug. So many days I just want to throw in the towel. I know I need to get on my knees and talk to God but some days, I just don’t want to, kwim? And I know there are many more years to go in our trials just to get back to “normal” (we made a decision to walk about from my family and our home of 10 years due to lying, stealing, drug use and threats against our family made by family members that lived very close….its kinda very long story lol). I get so mad that we are living in a rental (although a beautiful one) and living in town (we would love to be back out in the country)…..I get mad that we had to get rid of our pets (rental) and that our financial standing is ruined (bankruptcy because there were legal issues we weren’t aware of with our home)……I get so angry that my dh is depressed and I feel like it is my fault (because it was my family)…..but in the end God knows. He knew the situation. He gave us the tools to leave. He found this beautiful rental for us and made it available to us. It was nothing short of a miracle that we got it (I called on the last day before they reviewed applications, there were 6 other applications) and it is so big (4+ bedrooms and storage/craft areas and a huge yard for in town). I know that God has everything in control and that if he wants us to have another “owned-home” that we will. I know that if God wants me to have a relationship with my parents that he will soften their hearts to the mistakes that were made. But it still gets me down sometimes. I will pray for you and if I come across anything revolutionary, I will make sure to pass the info along
Hi Carie,
Thank you so much for praying for me / my family! We GREATLY appreciate it! I will add you and your family to my prayers as well. It’s wonderful to hear how the Lord worked in your life…I love stories like that – they definitely help me remember He *IS* there!
Hugs my friend,
Dawn
I have found that most of my trials have ended when I gave up, admitted defeat, and left it to God. I don’t know what your particular trial is, or the answer you are looking for, but sometimes the answer, the real one, is unexpected and not what you thought you were looking for.
Susan @Homeschooling Hearts & Minds recently posted..Cherishing the Middle Child
Hi Susan,
Thank you for taking the time to comment on my post and for sharing some “words of wisdom”. During this trial, I have given it to God so many times…but then over time, I pick it back up and the process starts all over again. Except now, anger has crept in. I am waiting for His answer…with no expectation of what it will be…I do believe it will be beyond anything I could imagine…but…tired of waiting. LOL
Blessings!
Dawn
I don’t know that I’d call it “wisdom” Dawn, but I understand the feeling of defeat and the anger that eats you up inside. For me, things only change after I give up. I mean, really give up. Throw my expectations out the window. Assume the answer is a resounding “NO, you can’t have that.” Even stop praying on the topic—really hit bottom.
Because God heard me. He always does, my reminding Him will not change His timing. His grace is a gift I can never hope to earn. He gives it to me freely, but in His own time and He knows that sometimes what I want isn’t what I should have. That doesn’t mean that I stop praying for peace in my own heart or for faith in His plans for me.
I know that sounds all fluffy and simplistic, so I’ll give you an example: our family just came “home” to the state where most of our extended family lives a few years ago. I lived away from my family (not really wanting to) for over 15 years, our children seeing their grandparents maybe once, sometimes 2x a year (because we were a day and then 2 days drive away). When my oldest was born (12 years ago), he was born by emergency c-section and was in NICU for 5 days—I had no familial support outside of my husband because no one could be there.
When he died in 2004, I was able to be by my father’s side when he died, but only after flying in at the last minute (almost didn’t happen due to a blizzard)—my children never got to know him. My grandfather died and it had been a year since I’d seen him.
Where we lived was always contingent upon where my husband could get a job in his field. And so we prayed and prayed, through all the 1-year contracts, and then through the renewable 3-year contracts that he would get a secure job closer to “home.”
About 3 years ago, he went on yet another interview that he had to travel over a 1000 miles for (yes, big financial investment). He didn’t get it. And we both pretty much decided at that point that the answer was “no.” We would continue to live 1200 miles away from our families, because we couldn’t afford the financial and emotional investment of that dream anymore. We would continue to not have any long-term security. That was it. We were “home” whether we liked it or not.
I gave up. Really and truly. I was done. I wasn’t happy, but I was also spent.
A few months later, my husband got a call offering him a new position that had just opened up at the same college he had interviewed with. A tenure-track position. And we wouldn’t be 2 days away from our family, but 40 minutes from his parents and 1-1/2 hours from my Mom. After 15 years of being away, we were able to come home and have been here for 3 years, maybe it will be for good this time. ;0)
Susan @Homeschooling Hearts & Minds recently posted..Cherishing the Middle Child
Hi Susan,
This definitely gives me much to think about…thank you for the specific example – it was just what I needed to hear.
Thank you!
Blessings, Dawn
I feel like me finding this post was no accident. I really needed to hear that I am not alone in this particular struggle. I have never had the courage to put it into words online or to someone, well not fully at least. But if I did it could read exactly the way this blog reads. I am now going on 11 years this Oct of my trial and there is no end in site for me. I have days of pure anger, and when I say anger I mean it started out patiently, then eventually turned to horror and disbelief, and then to anger and frustration, then to down right hatred anger. But I will say somewhere around year 8 I felt a pull, a tug. Then when I ignored that tug I was given a sign that it was time to work on moving forward with Christ. I still have days of tears ad anger and dispaire in my trial, but there are days between them of praise and thanks. I have learned to be thankful for those days and pray for more of them. And to pray for comfort and wisdom in my lack of understanding during the bad days. It’s a work in progress, but I’m thankful to know I am not alone here. That was the hardest part, to hear people say I am never angry with God in their trials. I felt so wrong and alone yet validated in my frustration.
Hi Ashley,
Thank you SO MUCH for commenting and for letting me know you’ve BTDT – and that you’ve “made it through”. Thank you for letting me know that I too am not alone in my anger. I am SO GLAD you’ve found my blog. {{hugs}} my sister in Christ!
Dawn
I happened to be reading the story of Job to my kids tonight. Talk about perfect timing. It makes me wonder, this trial I have be dealing with, am I stuck in it because of my responce? Would it not be going on 11 years of a trial if I had reacted properly in he first place? If I had praised God and not complained, if I had taken the bad as well as the good. Is my devastation, anger, and hostility really all my fault in the end? Just some food for thought here.
Hi Ashley,
Thanks for that “food for thought”! I actually have been very thankful to the Lord for things within this struggle – it has only been about the last six months that I have gotten very worn down by this trial. But it does give me something to think about as to whether there is some area I have not improved during this trial.
Hugs!
Dawn
Yeah, I have been there, several times. Wondering why God let me down, most recently why when we were walking in obedience He would allow us to experience the foreclosure of a rental property, overwhelming debt as a result, and problems with my husband’s paycheck during the economic downturn. On top of it all, we have a special needs son and it can feel like nothing is going right, like I’m stuck in mud, that I will NEVER get where I want to be.
When the financial trial started a little over four years ago, I determined to not get bitter, but get better. That started my reading in the Bible of the word bless, blessed, and blessing. My main question was, how do I turn this stress into blessings? The biggest answer after my reading and spending focused time with Jesus was clinging to Him, holding His hand, getting to know His character instead of focusing on my problems, falling in love with Him was and is the answer to my problems and challenges. Maybe that sounds simplified but depending on Him is the only thing that’s brought me through this storm. In the midst of it, God sent me a dream. Maybe it will help you, too:
I was going down a steep mountainside, a chain of friends to my left holding my hand. To my immediate left was Jesus. As we slid down the hill, we would come across hurdles. I would be afraid and then Jesus would squeeze my hand and we would FLY over them. It would actually be fun! Then we finally got to the bottom and I was submerged in a pool, drowning. Jesus got me out somehow and I stood at the bottom of the mountain incredibly joyful, laughing and smiling. I had accomplished something really big!
Now I think I am in the drowning part of that dream. I don’t know when I’m going to “get to the other side.” I only know He has promised me I would. I don’t see how. But I have come to realize that as I am drowning, I am actually surrounded by His grace.
And the other thing I realize is that I’m not alone as I go through these challenges. Jesus is holding my hand and my brothers and sisters in Christ hold me up, too. Sometimes I just need to hold on a little tighter when I get scared.
I hope you find this story helpful. As far as the blessings part I shared, I wrote a free 30 day devotional called the Blessings Journey. You are welcome to take it at http://www.blessed-not-stressed.com and discover more about what I learned over the past few years.
Dana Susan Beasley recently posted..Business Logos Design–3 Dangers to Avoid When Designing a Logo
Dana,
Thank you for your words – your dream was amazing, and I can see how it would give you some confidence to make it through trials! I’m off to check out your devotional as well.
Blessings!
Dawn
Dawn,
I have BTDT. My hubby and I met and bible school, wed, had a baby and moved to south africa to be missionaries. Life was great. Two more kids and 4 1/2 year later my husband could barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom. We flew home to Canada to get medical care (I was pregnant with our fourth) thinking we’d be back on the mission file in no time. That was 7 years ago this month. My hubby’s health continues to deteriorate. Last year he was in the hospital from July to October and almost died. The dr even said he wouldn’t make it, but he’s still kicking around.
After we’d been home about a year is when I got mad at God. He had taken me away from my home (Arica had become home and where I loved living) and I had to live in Canada (where I had never wanted to raise my kids). He took away my husband and replaced him with a sick man who could barely help me with the kids much less hold a job. I was mad!
Over time I was able to let ago of what I wanted for my life and ask God what He wanted from me in this country. I learned that, for me, I was mad because I wanted what I wanted. I had forgotten that God always wants what is best for me…He can see the big picture…He has a good plan…He LOVES me.
When my hubby almost died I was able to say ‘Not my will, but Yours’ and actually mean it. I told God if His best plan was to heal my hubby in Heaven, then I Knew that that was His best plan for me too. Even if I didn’t understand it.
I don’t know your situation, but I know the same God who loves me and has a plan for me–He has a plan for your good and more than that He loves YOU!
I hope that this can encourage you.
My situation has not changed, but my understanding of God has.
Hi Amy,
I love your last statement: My situation has not changed, but my understanding of God has. I need to think more on this. Thank you for sharing your story. I will be praying for you and your family.
Hugs!
Dawn
This is a good one-to know normal people have struggles. This is encouraging to read all the posts. Lately I have found that I need to “forgive” whoever that may be, perhaps even God. I haven’t really felt mad at him, but angry about certain circumstances, that have lingered on and on. Sometimes they trigger thoughts and anger/resentment about past situations where I have already forgiven someone-which can include God, others and myself for poor choices and past hurts. I have wondered alot lately (the past couple years) if the way I “feel” has alot to do with my age and those physical things that begin to change for a woman. I talk to my husband alot, pray, and seek older women to help guide me–through everything not just the “changing” part. I start my day talking to God before I get out of bed. He gets me through it all-the good the bad and the ugly. If I am feeling uncomfortable, I think I need to ask God to help me look at me more, and be honest. Is it selfishness, self-centeredness, unforgiveness, self-pity, wanting things I don’t have (bigger house, more space). Those are biggies for me. Hang in there, we are not alone. I just have to remember where I was before Christ, and that He has something so much better for me in eternity, if I keep trusting Him. God bless you on your journey, friend.
PS I also thought about the stones: In remembrance of the times/things God has seen you through (maybe you could make a stone garden and name each one with the things you know God answered to help you through this on time you are waiting on an answer). That is just a physical thing to look at as a reminder-to look back and see where God has brought you from or what He has brought you out of and He will do it again! ooooooweeeeeeee! LoL Joshua 4
Sincerely,
Pammy
Hi Penny,
Thanks for the stones idea – I love it! Will have to think on this more…
The responses to this post have been VERY encouraging – thank you!
Blessings,
Dawn